Online trolls were out in their forces this week!
TV and radio personality Meshel Laurie was Facebook trolled by a couple of jerks who nastily criticized her appearance and talent. Her response? Name them and shame them. They ended up being abused themselves by Meshel’s supporters and their own families and friends. Meshel felt awful about becoming the bully: “Happy people with great lives don’t fat shame strangers on social media. Sad, lonely, isolated people do,” she said, and apologised to her bullies and their families.
On Sunday a lovely young man I’ve had the privilege to sing with in the past, got through to the battle round on The Voice. He did a great job and although it was a close call, he was chosen to continue. It wasn’t more than a few minutes before the haters started Facebook trolling this wonderful talent, telling him how up himself he was, how poor his singing was and how he didn’t deserve to get through. His response? Screen shot the responses and call the haters out. He said he wasn’t too fussed about them, but it can’t help but rattle a person.
Earlier in the weekend, I’d posted a photo of myself and my band doing a charity gig in the Barossa Valley. My light hearted and fun comments spurred a torrent of abuse from an older musician, bagging everything from the way we looked to our sound and even the very well-respected charity. My response? I named him as a hater and then went to delete him… only to find he’d saved me the trouble by deleting me. He obviously didn’t like the negative attention being drawn to him and, I imagine, was a bit embarrassed by his outburst. Although I will say I wasn’t too fussed by him, a few days later my mind still plays it over.
I guess it’s not surprising that it’s happened so many times this week, given that 50% of teenagers have experienced cyberbullying, 20% of them on a regular basis. Critics and haters online are getting way more attention than they warrant. Many of the kids I work with are, at very least, distracted and, more likely, worried or stressed about online trolls. It’s not an occasional thing anymore; it’s a daily occurrence. Apparently trolls are sad people who have lonely lives, but it doesn’t excuse their behaviour. Trolls demonstrate the worst part of humankind. They zap the confidence of very good people, pushing their self esteem to the limits and cause issues like depression, in some cases, physical harm and even in extreme cases, death.
So why do we allow ourselves to get caught up in their dangerous web? And how can we avoid falling for their tricks and taunts?
Firstly, we must understand WHY haters hate. To do this, primarily we need to take ourselves completely out of the equation. It’s not about US at all. If someone decides to take a swipe at us, it’s not really about what they like or don’t like about us, it’s about THEM and THEIR insecurities and THEIR issues and agenda. Not yours! Remember, you are the one who’s out there doing it, posting photos and messages of fun. The hater is sitting on his or her backside with nothing better to do than troll the waters of social media and criticize people who are out there living their lives. IT’S NOT YOUR ISSUE! It’s really hard not to take nasty words personally, but when we understand that it’s not actually aimed at US, it makes it easier to brush off and not let our self esteem get knocked around too much. Think Taylor Swift and “Shake it Off!”
Next, remember that every time you give a hater a response, you give them power. This is all a power play; the hater wants to see they’re getting through to you and starting to mess with your head. They want to control you because they can’t control much else in their lives. They want to know they have a hold on you, that they can embarrass you. It gives them the feeling of power. Sick? Absolutely, but history is full of sick people starting up power plays and most of them end pretty badly. Actually YOU are in the position of power here and not many people realise that. YOU have the choice: you can give the power away and let the haters win, or you can hold onto the power and your dignity by not getting involved. DON’T GIVE THE BULLY YOUR ENERGY!!! They feed and grow from it! Ultimately yes, it’s the harder thing to do and you might feel like you’re losing in the short term, but it is the wiser thing to do. In the long term (the wonderful thing we call “hindsight”) you’ll emerge with your self esteem intact and your head held high.
Lastly, understand you CAN’T WIN by entering into a conversation with an online troll. It’s exactly what they want you to do; be their puppet on a string! You cannot justify yourself, prove them wrong or do anything other than completely paint yourself into a frustrating corner. And you don’t want to lower yourself to their level by saying nasty things back. Taking on the role of the very people who are making you feel so low is not going to improve the situation for anyone. So don’t do what they want you to do. Don’t try and understand it too much. Make the hate stop right there. Just make like Elsa in Frozen and “Let It Go!”.
So what should we do when we find a nasty comment in our newsfeed/below a photo/online anywhere/on a phone message?
Here are your options:
- Click DELETE, then BLOCK the offender. Don’t comment or reply or react in any way. Remember: that gives them energy and power.
2. If you are not able to do point 1, then simply don’t engage in social media. It’s not worth it.
PS… REALLY IMPORTANT…. Give it a couple of days to get any negative trolling comments out of your system. Even though it might be all you think about for a day or two, time will slowly fade them and heal the hurt. Don’t let it engulf or swallow you. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself. Go for a long walk, read a book, do a boxing or yoga class or have a chat with a bestie and have a bitch and a laugh about it all. You’re allowed to do this in the privacy of an intimate chat, just avoid dragging it out onto the social media public arena.
And if the hurt doesn’t go away and starts consuming you, have a chat to someone you trust, like a counsellor or doctor, to help you get your groove back. It’s seriously not worth letting the bullies win.
