I remember swotting for my final year 12 exams. I lived in a granny flat in my parents’ back yard and during Swot Vac made the constant trek inside the house to the kitchen, probably six times a day, making piece after piece of toast, smothered in butter and blackberry jam. It was my comfort “thing” that emerged only during swot vac and I don’t think I’ve eaten blackberry jam since. I was reasonably calm as I made my final preparations; I had worked reasonably consistently throughout the year for the first time in my life, had great teachers and although there was still much to revise and I could have done a lot more earlier, I wasn’t feeling overwhelmed or too rushed.
My mother, on the other hand, was another story. Every time I set foot in the house for another piece of toast, she would screech, “Another piece of toast? You should be out there studying, not eating. You’re not doing enough! You haven’t done enough preparation!!” Fortunately, I was pretty used to ignoring Mum and didn’t buy into her panic. We are very different people. When she went to school she studied for hours every night, sometimes by candlelight (I’m serious! They were very poor). She aced her exams and got offered scholarships. I couldn’t concentrate for five minutes and was already running my own business, which I was much more interested in than studying.
So, as a parent, how can we best support our children through exam period? How can we achieve the fine balance between encouraging and nagging? Year after year I see so many kids flail at the time when they need to rise; with 30 percent of marks up for grabs it’s such a crucial time in their preparation. Yet so many suddenly find a fascinating new series on Netflix or a new computer game to play and all of a sudden their week of intense study is filled with avoidance and apathy whilst their parents are either screaming in frustration or resigning themselves to feelings of helplessness. Here’s some ideas.
1. Be available. Your child may not seem to want you to be there, but in reality we all need the support of our parents during these stressful times. You don’t necessarily have to literally share every moment with them or sit over your kids as they study, but just be available. Yes, we are all busy and need to work, but from the last school holidays until the exams have ended, do your best not to book up too much non-essential stuff on the weekends and evenings. If at all possible, arrange to start work later or finish a bit early occasionally, especially during swot vac and exam week. It is a comforting thing for a teen to know a parent is making them a priority and this will help balance and settle them.
2. Try and avoid nagging. “You should be doing more study!” “Get off YouTube and do some work!” We are all guilty of it and sometimes nagging does get things over the line! It can also make kids tune out, avoid contact and withdraw away from family areas. Instead of nagging, try discussing. Sit down with your child at an appropriate time and ASK QUESTIONS. What strategies are you using to study? How is your focus going? How are you structuring your day? What are you finding most difficult? How are you feeling about exams? And WAIT for the answers (silence is not the enemy!), even if they take a while and are not what you’re wanting to hear. The conversation is opened up two ways and is more constructive. Keep anecdotes about your own studying to a minimum… everyone learns differently and it is your child’s journey.
3. Assist with structural life support. As much as you can during the school holidays, swot vac and exam weeks, encourage your senior school students to stick to their daily school routine as much as possible, including getting up at the same time they normally do (but allowing a sleep in on weekends), studying the subjects according to their school timetable and even having recess and lunch breaks at the same time they usually do. The rest of your support depends on your relationship with your child. Some parents are able to help with detailing planning schedules, helping test stuff they need to learn or checking through practice essays, But for some parents their involvement is not going to work in such a direct way. No worries, you can still be a great part of the support team! Cook up healthy meals that can be frozen and reheated… pasta sauces jam packed with vegies and bone broth based soups are perfect. Pack the fridge and pantry with fresh fruits, cheese, low GI crackers, nuts and low-sugar muesli bars. Make sure stationery items like flashcards, pencils and erasers are well-stocked as well. Promote incorporating physical activity into the day. Offer to go for a walk to the park with your teen or encourage them to go for a run or go to the gym if it’s been part of their regular routine. Encouraging some quiet time in the form of meditation is also great… down load the “Headspace” app and go through the introductory package together. Achieving a balance is so important and there’s nothing better than a parent’s gentle structure to help maintain this.
4. Handle panic meltdowns without buying into them. Having meltdowns in the months leading up to exams is not only completely normal; it’s actually abnormal if they are absent! Note that meltdowns can take many forms and be triggered by seemingly ridiculous things. One student described to me how she ended up on the kitchen floor in fits of tears when she couldn’t open a can of baked beans! It might seem irrational, but it’s just the cork waiting to explode out of the bottle; the pressure building inside needs to go somewhere. The best thing you can do as a parent is to be there with a waiting cuddle and with gentle words of encouragement that it’s all okay, that having a meltdown is perfectly okay and that you know they will be okay and be capable of continuing on once it’s all let it out. Sometimes parents become targets of meltdowns and find themselves on the receiving end of emotional outbursts. Know in your heart you are totally a scapegoat for the pressure build up and frustration and don’t take it personally. Avoid getting involved in a shouting match, no matter how much it hurts. Wait until the storm settles, then help pick up the pieces.
5. Assist in finding support. As parents, we can’t always be everything to our children, no matter how much we think we can. There are times when we need to find and outsource assistance. This might be as simple as an email to a teacher, making them aware of difficulties and requesting some help sessions/resources/advice. It might be arranging for your child to speak to a school counsellor or psychologist about getting their headspace right. It might be seeking the assistance of a private tutor when the maths just isn’t clicking (or a maths-minded aunt or friend). There’s a fine line there between doing everything we can to to help and knowing when we need to seek outside assistance, but it’s important to recognise that sometimes it’s best for us to take a little step back and bring someone else’s skill set into play.
6. Feed positive messages. Yes, it’s true that most kids are underprepared for exams, could have done so much more earlier and waste time doing stuff they shouldn’t. But it’s not your job to point that stuff out and wave it in their face. Encourage students to do what they can with the time they have left, not to dwell on past errors, but focus on what is achievable now and until their exam time. Help them to maintain an optimism and positivity right til the very end of their last exam. The life lessons learned here are incredible. The euphoric feeling of not giving up in adversity, but working hard and marching forward will last with our year 12 students their entire lives.
