Last week at the shopping centre I watched a mum struggle with a difficult toddler. It’s something every parent can empathise with. The child wasn’t getting what he wanted, Mum was trying to finish what she needed to get done, but it was rapidly going pear shaped. The toddler threw himself on the floor, rigid like a board and screamed. The mother looked around, mortified. Some passers by clucked in disapproval, others sighed in quiet recognition. But one mother breezed past with a cutting remark, “You think this is tough! Wait til he’s a teenager!”
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In our society this is a common attitude.
There’s plenty of advice available for handling toddlers and, because they’re smaller, we feel more in control. Not so much during the “Terrible Teens”.
Actually in a lot of ways dealing with a teen is not that different to dealing with a toddler, and if you go in with a similar approach, you’ll find yourself celebrating frequent small victories:
- Both toddlers and teens go through HUGE changes and growth in development and awareness.
Whilst the physical changes are pretty obvious, cognitive changes in a teen are often subtler. Their brain is changing shape, getting rid of the connections it doesn’t need and will continue to remodel until the mid-twenties. During this time, new connections between synapses are being made and teens begin to find their place in the world, form their own opinions about how things work and are easily influenced. This time is confusing, frustrating and often painful. As parents it’s important to be empathetic and understand that, whilst it doesn’t excuse bad behaviour, changing physically and mentally at a rapid rate is a pretty daunting thing.
- Testing boundaries is typical of toddlers and teens.
Remember the cheeky look your toddler would give over his/her shoulder before they took off running to the furthest corner of the airport or dropped the hairbrush into the toilet? They were checking how far they could push things before you’d come running. Teens are just the same. They are trying out some adult behaviours, not always the most responsible ones, and seeing how far they can extend the curfew/drop the grades/answer back before you lose your cool and reel them back in.
- They employ push and pull techniques.
Think: the toddler who trips, falls and cries and the parent who anxiously scoops them up for comfort and cuddles, only to be pushed away be flailing arms as the toddler runs off to play again. Teens having a try to be independent in a more adult world will inevitably hit the hurdles that we, as adults, encounter and return to us, tail between their legs, for comfort and advice. We, as parents, are the meat in the sandwich between our kids and the outside world, so be prepared to be shoved aside and then desperately needed in a way that will test your ego and heartstrings. Try not to take it personally.
- You can’t reason with toddlers or teenagers.
Literally. Cognitively the part of the brain called the amygdala calls the shots whilst the teenaged brain is developing better default options. The amygdala is an automatic response, usually generated by fear or panic and so results in a response that is emotional, immediate and not always appropriate. You and your teenager might need some strategies to deal with these situations, which will be covered in my next few blogs in this series. Best to choose your reasoning battles carefully and enter debates when the consequences of not doing so result in unsafe actions.
- Toddler and teen temper tantrums
Whilst teens may not throw themselves on the shopping centre floor, they have other ways of releasing their aggression and frustration. This is usually in the form of shouting matches which involved cruel retorts that cut to the bone like a medieval torture device. As with toddlers, there’s rarely a lot of point getting involved in a temper tantrum. Usually it’s best to walk away and let the storm blow over by itself.
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So, what about the mother with the screaming toddler in the shopping centre? A look of resolve crossed her face. This was not going to get the better of her. She squared her shoulders, fixed a determined gaze on her toddler, scooped the boy up, kicking and screaming under one arm, balancing her shopping bags in the other. She walked out of the shopping centre, her head held high, oblivious and unapologetic to the stares and whispers.
Because, toddler or teen, us mums do what we can to get through the day with our dignity in tact. And, as the mum with the screaming toddler muttered under her breath as she passed by me at the exit, “There’s always wine”.
