Ok: for starters, let’s all give ourselves a medal and a pat on the back. We have kept our kids alive until this point in their lives (and I know, sometimes this is a day-to-day challenge!). Every day there is something new, something we’re trying to get our heads around and draw on every resource we have as a person, a parent or a professional, no matter what our area of expertise. One day it’s toddler tantrums, the next it’s friendship issues. Then there’s homework refusal, back chatting, messy rooms, shouting matches… the list goes on. And on.
It helps in these situations, to draw on what we already KNOW, that is, our previous knowledge and experience, whether that be to make a behavioural plan based on a business model or attempt negotiation skills based on doing a semester of law in high school. And let’s not forget that our lovely teens and tweens were toddlers once, and we all SURVIVED! So let’s take a moment to contemplate some of the strategies we employed to help keep us vaguely sane during the toddler years and see how they apply to teens.
- Be firm and consistent in your approach.
If you say, “No more cakie,” to a toddler, there’s bound to be trouble. Toddlers don’t like “No” for an answer and a tantrum will generally follow. But you said, “No more cakie”, not, “If you have a massive tantie I’ll give you whatever the hell you like. Have some cakie”. Regardless of whether it was a good call or not, it’s best to follow through with your decision on this issue, despite Grandma trying to appease by saying, “Oh just give the baby cakie. One more piece won’t hurt”. The one more piece might not hurt your toddler, but the dent in your authority as a parent will come back to bite you eventually.
Teens will do the same. They will employ emotional techniques (“I hate you”, “Everyone else’s Mum is so much cooler than you”), and they will test every inch of your resolve and ego. Do your best not to buy into emotional behaviour, although it’s really hard not to. Regularly giving in to demands of teens will give them the message that they can keep pushing and that you’ll cave in eventually. Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile. So, if you make a stand, stand firm and they will respect you for it in the long term.
- Choose your battles.
Sometimes the Grandma in the cakie scene is right. Just give ‘em the cake to save your sanity! There will be days when you just haven’t got it in you to go head to head with an argumentative toddler… or teenager. Sometimes you’ve got to, “Know when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em”, according to Kenny Rogers I believe. Try to do this by not entering into the battle in the first place and just letting it go this once, rather than going in half-hearted and pulling out when it’s getting too hard. You’ll save more face that way.
Say, “Ok, you can have the night off homework and go to your friend’s place instead. I’ll write a note in your diary and let your teachers know,” rather than, “No, you have to do your homework,” and then backing down after a 45-minute shouting match. Sometimes giving yourself (and your teen) a mental health day is much more beneficial than both of you ending up in tears. And it’s really not going to make all that much difference every once in a while. Read the situation and make a call based on what’s right for you both for that particular day. YOU decide when this is okay and never regret the decisions you make to get you through the day.
- Be liberal with praise.
The obvious analogy to the toddler years is when they finally do a tiny wee on the toilet after weeks of chasing them around the house with a potty, towels and toilet paper. Remember? “Oh you clever little one! Doing wees on the toilet! Let’s give you hugs, kisses and stickers and call Daddy/Mummy/Grandma/the evening tv news and tell them how clever my baby is!” Yep, we’ve all got one of these stories.
The teenage years are full of insecurities, of fears. As teens are finding their place in the world and finding out where they don’t fit is a big part of this. They suffer rejection, loneliness and feelings of being overwhelmed or not good enough. As a result, their self esteem suffers. They are thinking: “I don’t fit anywhere and what’s the point of trying anymore?” And then Mum or Dad find a small reason to boost their confidence, “Your teacher told me you handed your last assignment up on time! Well done. I knew you could do it. Let’s go and get an ice cream” (this doesn’t mean the assignment was completed or of reasonable quality, but we are finding a positive here!). All of a sudden the teen finds hope, something to smile about and a feeling they’re not trying to do it all on their own. Maybe Mum and Dad aren’t so bad.
Find something small to praise your teen about, even the tiniest of improvements. It will go a long way.
- Keep your sense of humour.
Laugh. You have to, in order to keep your sanity! Sometimes a roll of the eyes and letting it go is better than reacting angrily or getting upset. Your toddler just drew all over the white wall you just had painted last week, or your teenager brought home an older girl/boyfriend, covered in tattoos. Your first reaction is to crack it and scream and shout.
But first, think: Did anyone die? No. Is anyone in mortal danger? Well… No. You will see humour in this situation at a later time, so why not make light of it now? First, take a deep breath and let it go. Then, take a photo of the said wall and post it on Instagram for everyone to have a laugh. Offer to make the ink-covered monstrosity a nice cup of tea and sit down for one of those ironic chats that belongs in the next episode of “Modern Family”. Have a laugh and a cry over a wine with a friend later on whilst relaying the story that gets more and more embellished with every telling.
Actually, make sure you recall in detail all the battle stories of frustration, anguish and “those” moments, toddler, tweens or teen, where you want to either cringe or curl up and die. Write them down. Savour them. You’ll be telling them all many years later, with bittersweet humour, at your child’s 21st birthday party. Now who said Karma wasn’t a bitch?
